Josh

I was giving the grandsons a bath this morning, getting them dressed, combing their hair.  As I looked at Sebby, I saw my Joshua.  How fast he grew up.  I think of him as my youngest...but he is an adult man.  He moved to Loma Linda last Sunday.  He set up his apartment, saw his MBA advisor for classes, and is looking for a job.  I realize he is out on his own now. My little boy is gone.

How did this go by so fast?  When I had him, I was young.  I played sports with him like golf, baseball, and tennis, and even skiing (though I ski like a gorilla and my kids tease me about it), played games, taught him music in school, took him to little league and cheered like a crazy woman, hugged him, spanked him, laughed and cried with him. I loved being a mom, but at times I didn't.  It was frustrating learning how to parent a boy.  They are different than girls.  There were places I couldn't go with him because moms just don't go there, only dads can.

We were done having kids after our two girls.  When I found out I was pregnant again I had two ultrasounds that said he was going to be another girl.  I painted the baby room blue.  I don't know why, except that I had so much pink already and was kind of tired of it.

When my baby came out a boy I was so excited.  God had given me a special gift.  A boy! And this boy would grow up to be someone special for His purpose.  I have always felt that way and always will.  I know God brought him to us for a wonderful reason, even if that reason is to be my son!

When Josh went away to school for the first few days I felt liberated.  The house stayed clean. There was still food in the fridge.  But soon a blueness set in.  I couldn't figure it out because I am not usually a blue person.  Then the light came on that I was feeling the "empty nest."  What was my purpose now? I had been a mom for so long is was very much a part of me.

Looking at Sebby and Davy, I see my son growing up all over again.  Learning new things, saying new words, experiencing new emotions, learning to love and respect.  They are so cute.   They fill a spot that was opened up when Josh drove away to start his own life. I have found my purpose again. However, no one can fill the loneliness that I feel for Josh.

I miss my son.  He was home for Christmas and we had a great time.  When he drove away, my heart went with him and tugged on my water reservoir of tears.  I wish he wasn't so far away.

I want him to stay very close to God.  We talk about this and other stuff. I hope he always feels like he can talk to me and that  he knows I am praying for him every day. I hope that he is successful in his endeavors.  I hope that when he is ready he can find a beautiful, loving, Godly wife that he can share it all with.

For you Josh, I love you very much. Carpe Diem!